If u hurt me once…shame on you…
If u hurt me twice shame on me….
Prologue
In our life we often meet people who we call lucky….. They have good marks at school…marry to beautiful girls…find better jobs and do all that easy without any troubles on their heads…
I would never call myself one of them….
Maybe it’s a date of births, or the sings of my parents and grandparents. I don’t know for sure and will never know. But in my life there were so little of good things and so many of hard moments that if I wanted to choose a color for my life it would be gray and only gray if not black or brown….
Many people say that there always is someone who lives worse than u do. And people in Africa have not enough of food and water. But hey! I’m not in Africa. I have never been to Africa and never will be… I live in Europe and please don’t laugh if u know such country as my motherland…. I live in Ukraine.
And maybe there are people sick and disabled ones. Maybe at this moment someone cries and someone dies. But there are lots of those who spend their money and live a happy life. And I prefer to think about them. Lucky ones…
So as u already know I’m unlucky and live in a country where no one care and there is nothing to be done to change the situation.
Oh, by the way, my name is Mariana…
1.
As we talk with my friend from Syria on the phone I say to him to hold on coz Shaytana is near and I may be in trouble…
- From where do u know this word?
- I always knew this word- I say…
- It means Devil…
- I know. And she is a real devil in a flash. Wallah.
I hear he is laughing. He always laughs when I use this Arabic word which means I swear.
- So who is she?
- My mother in law. She is a Shaytana and if she hears me speak with u than I’m in a big trouble. Bye!!!!
I hang up the phone and turn around. There she is. She is standing behind the door and I can see her huge body through the door glass. Awful! In my mind I started to pray to all gods I could remember that she didn’t hear my talking right now. She enters the room and I can see she is in her usual mood to bite my head off…. Just looking around to find a reason. Ahh that means I’m in the safe side. If she heard me than she would start to yell and call me names by now. All this long seconds of waiting tell me I can relax a bit. All is going to be the same as usual; she yells at me and me listening and tries to stay cool. But wallah for 11 years of knowing her I have lost all my temper…
- Why are you sitting here?
- And why not? – I’m not in the mood to have a fight but I don’t know what else I can say to these stupid words….
- Its Saturday and all people do house work and cleaning and you sit here! – She starts to yell and I am not surprised at all – go and do something!
- What I should do?
- Anything! You wasting time and this day for sitting at computer and doing nothing! Go and wash the floor!
- Ok I will do in a minute or two.
- Go now! You always eat and never do any work! I have never seen that a daughter in law was so lazy and careless…. Go and do some cleaning!
- Ok! Ok! I will go in a few minutes!
She walks out of my room leaving the door opened as she knows I hate it and long for at least a bit of privacy! I start to boil but do my best to calm myself down. She is with black hair she always has to color because it would be grey long time ago…with a huge nose and eyes that have not much of eyelashes and eyebrows. But the worse is that she is stupid. Having no higher education left her far behind anyone I know. Sometimes she can say something so stupid in front of people that her husband (my father in law) hide his eyes from embarrassment.
I close all chats I had and text to my friends I will be busy and chat with them later and go to wash the floor in the kitchen. As I bring the water and start to wash the floor I remember the day I was washing the walls at my father’s house before my wedding. It was 7 years ago but it seems that it was centuries ago and those happy times when I was free left far behind. I smile to myself coz I know I was so blind then. I was stupid. Young and stupid.
I met him at 15. He was 7 years older than me and seem so smart and a great guy. He treated me nicely and I liked his attention. So at my 16th birthday he said he loves me and wants me and I was scared but said “yes”… After that we were officially a couple and start dating. That was my first mistake. I shouldn’t go for it and be with him ever. There were a young boy of my age but he couldn’t compete with a man. So he lost a ballet and I lost my virginity.
When I was 16 my mother had a stroke and died at the age of 38. That was so awful and sad that I can go through it till now and for more than 10 years I miss her everyday and cry every time I visit her grave. I always go alone and don’t let anyone to go with me. It’s my grief and I don’t want to share the moment with a person who is not worth it. That was the biggest punch of destiny in to my 16 year old stomach and I was broken. I remember she was in a hospital for 3 days in an intensive care unit and in the middle of the night all were awake and I get up to ask what’s wrong. No one could say a word…. They just gave me my mom’s jewelry. I started to yell at them. I said that they shouldn’t do like that or I may think bad things happen to my mom.
-Mom’s dead… -said my brother. He was only 11. I remember I fall in to my father’s arms and the world was spinning around me…
No words to tell how it hurts. I remember two moments were the most painful. When they opened a coffin and the other when they closed it and start to bury her. It was like a slap and it told me it’s over and I don’t have a mother anymore. He was there yes and he was holding me and I was repeating only one thing: - She is my mother….!
Since that day I was different and never will be the same. I was broken and hurt. I lost the best person on earth. I lost all.
I couldn’t find the inner peace again…and all the time when I should be feeling happy I cried. I often turn around to the wall or to some corner and cried…silently. Tears were rolling from my eyes and he was looking to other way pretending he don’t see it. It took me 6 month to get a little better and start to look for other goals. So I started to think that if I will be married and have a family of my own I’ll be happy. By that time it seemed to be a good idea. I lost a family. I lost my mother. I’ll need to find a new family. My own.
I wash the floor and feel I’m hungry….its spring now and I don’t want to eat usual food so whenever I open the fridge I hunt for vegetables. I finished my work and decided to have breakfast. Its 11:16 and I had only coffee till now. I found fresh cabbage in the fridge and cut a little for myself…than a slice of grey bread and I wanted to go but saw cheese and suddenly I want that cheese so I take it and cut a slice for myself… My mistake… Shaytana enters the kitchen at the same moment I’m going to eat. Always! This time also. So she sees me taking cheese she bought and she is ready to kill me for that. I can see it on her face expression.
- Why did you took that cheese? Put it away! It’s for a kid not for you!
I have nothing to say… it’s silly to put it back when I already took it and it sucks that she says such things. She always hates me for I eat. She wishes me to do all the work but never eat. Even when I don’t eat anything she still say I already eat a lot and no one else had time to do so. I remember a year ago I was so depressed I didn’t eat anything for two weeks. Only tea and coffee. And she didn’t even notice and was yelling I eat all her food. I hate her and I have to bear with her.
We live here with my in-laws more than 7 years and we have not enough of money to rent separate flat so I have nowhere to live if I will fight with her. I have no choice. So I will not eat this cheese… I will put it back later. To hell with her and her cheese.
As I come to my room from the kitchen I put the plate on the table and fall on my bed. I cry. Not because of her. I cry coz I am so tired of all of that. I know I don’t have to react on her words. I know! But I can’t. When someone treats you worse than a dog, even someone as stupid and ugly as she is, it still hurts.
She enters again….
- You took shower and spilled water next to the bathtub! Go and clean it immediately! You care only for food! You already ate and who will clean after you? Go now or I will throw you out of the house!
- It wasn’t me.
- Yes it was you! There was no one else in the shower! Go I tell you or you will be sorry!
I get up and go to clean a few drops of water that were there. It took me 1 min not more. I think I’ll start to take my antidepressant pills again. I can’t stay sane with her without pills. I will lose my mind or be depressed again.
At this moment I have only one wish… I need a hug… and I want only one man on earth to hug me. But he is so far away! My honey. So I’m unlucky and lonely.
I chew my cabbage and think of him. Not my husband who never gave me love and care and never made me happy. But a man who showed me there is another way. Better way in life. Who become a friend and lover. Who support me and calm me down when I feel like losing my mind. We met too late but I’m still happy I have him in my life as he refilled me with hope again. It was my honey who saved me from depression a year ago. It’s him who cares for me daily. Who supports me and makes me smile and laugh. Who shares with me all. The one and only. He is a great person. I’ve never met anyone as good as he is. But as I said we live in different countries and in different worlds… so I’m unlucky…
Maybe I’m a bad person that I dream about other way and other life while my son plays behind my back. But one wise woman once told me that we have to care for our happiness. Children will grow up and leave us building their own life and we will be left behind old and lonely. We all will die in the end and we won’t get another chance. So we have to live this life better.
I failed to find my happiness with a family of my own. With a husband and son. It wasn’t what I needed and made me only more depressed. I was feeling constant emptiness in my soul and was in need of something I couldn’t describe. I was lost and I had no idea what to do to be better and fine happiness and peace I’m looking for. So I started to chat with other people around the world. Boys and men from Pakistan, India, Algeria, Egypt, Jordan, United Arab Emirates, all east and Asia, were in my friend list and it kept me occupied and helped me to forget for some time about my own situation.
So now I also try to stop myself from these dreams of running away from this hell and be there where I’ll be loved and cared for. I can’t let myself to dream about it. It’s too much for me. I have an anchor here – my son.
She enters the room almost breaking through the door and yell again. In my thoughts I don’t hear what she says. And I see she notice I am not here, flying in clouds, daydreaming.
- and clean it all…Do you hear what I tell you? Wash the entire wardrobe and put all the clothes there. I told you many times to do it but you are too lazy to do any work. You can only eat and nothing more…
I ignore that hoping she will leave. She does. Slamming the door she walks away. Good. I still lay on my bed and check my incoming messages in case someone text. Nothing.
I suddenly start to cry again. No reason, than why? Where this pain in my soul does comes from? Why I’m a silly girl sitting at home and crying alone? No answers. No one to tell me what to do and how to live my life so I could be happy. Maybe that’s because no one knows.
I wipe my tears and go to wash the wardrobe she was speaking about. I should better do it or she will come again and will say even more nasty things. During this long 7 years she called me so many bad names I can’t even remember all. It gives her pleasure to hurt someone. Shaytan in a flash. Instinctively she finds a place where it hurts the most and hits there with no mercy.
2.
It wasn’t always that bad…. When I first met my husband it seemed right. He was 7 years older than me and I was too young to know what a woman needs. I was taken by his way of treating me…like a teacher treat a student… so he win me without trying hard. And when I first met his mother it also wasn’t that bad… I remember she wasn’t paying attention to me at all and talk only with other people in the room. It was ok with me as I was little shy at that time. When we started to date and I start to come more often to visit him she started to speak to me and ask questions. I was doing my best to make her like me. Once she asked me to bring her the slippers and I did it, like a dog brings them to its master, but I did, I obeyed, and when she was asking something I did all she wanted… at first… long time ago…
I remember he called me and I was coming to his place. I was walking about 2-3 kilometers to see him as I was needed him for not to stay lonely in a little flat with a drunken father and a young brother… To see that was hurting me too much and I was grabbing any chance to run away. So there I was walking pretty long distance to see him…to be with him… to watch TV together or listen to music… and then he sent me away alone or walks me home. When he offered to take a taxi I always refuse. I wanted to walk and have some time in private and that was my only chance.
Somehow there was no one better than he was… Somehow there was no one else… So we were dating for long 3 years. And when he said it’s time to get married I said yes. But that was a part when she started to turn in to evil shaytan. She hated me and was hoping he will leave me when he will have enough. And as soon as she heard we want to go on she had objections. I didn’t know that. She told me all this a few years later when we were fighting. She told me she never wanted to let me in their family. I wasn’t good enough. But at that time I didn’t knew that…
Later she was fighting with me and telling me that I never was good enough for their family as my father in law was a head of a factory and my father was a simple worker…. All their friends were the same. They were thinking of themselves as about upper class and my family were not. So she did her best to not let us marry and I’m sorry she failed. It was a right way and I was wrong and blind…
She is so bossy that it makes me lose my mind. She always tells everyone and especially to me what to do and how to do it, how to put everything in order and so on. And she can’t tell, suggest or ask. She commands with half yelling half ordering. And when someone order u and command the natural reaction of your mind is to resist and run. I always hide in my room and close the door and she learned to open them from the outside and now I have no space to hide from that woman. Ahh headache is not that bad as she is…
When she refused to let us marry and was delaying the event for too long my future husband told that if I get pregnant there will be no other chance. So I thought having a husband and child should make me happy. It was my silly illusion that a family and motherhood gives inner peace and happiness. So we did it. On April 14th at 11:30 am….
First few weeks I was happy because I had new hopes and dreams… than we asked his mother to take me the doctors because I feel unwell and there they told us I’m pregnant…. She was in shock and very angry at him. He told her that he will leave me like that and she convinced him to marry as a noble man should. So we started to get ready.
I was afraid to tell my father but I had to. One day I told him I’m pregnant. I was 18 years old and I was studying at the university, 2nd year student. So all he said was:
- How about your study?
- A lot of girls study and have kids… I will manage dad…
- Than what can I say….
And he went away out of the flat in a bad mood and I was thinking what it will be like to be married… And soon I realized there will be not much difference… till that time we were together for three years and we were living together from time to time at my granny’s flat and we were working together in a night club and billiard, so there were not much difference in the end. But I had hope.
Till the day we were getting married I wasn’t thinking that I love him or anything like that. But I lost my mom and my father had little salary and my brother on his neck, so I knew I have to get married and live my life and I did it. I was comfortable with him and I was sure he will be a good husband. Was wrong…
When all our parents realized there will be no other chance they start to get ready for our wedding. At one point our parents needed to meet to discuss all the details. It was so awful! His mother and father were sitting in my small flat and show with their entire look they think that we are, as all inside the flat, pathetic. I saw that in their manner to sit and talk. And my father also felt it. He had no choice and didn’t say anything but I was so sorry for him.
The big day was planned for July 24th. We were paying for our guests and they paid for their gests so we had 30 people to pay and they paid for the rest 70. In the end shaytana said that we paid not enough even when her husband said all is well.
The day before our wedding I had to wash all the stairs and walls in the building. My dress was sewn for me and it was nice and simple, the way I wanted it to be and much more cheaply than a bought one. I also did all my makeup and manicure…. I wanted to save money for my father…. And it was all. We went to put stamps in our passports in ordinary day and without any celebration and the day of wedding was the ceremony at church and a big party. I don’t remember it much… I remember traditional wedding greetings at my place. And then I was married and fainted in church. My dress was too tight and I was short of breath and fainted. After the wedding shaytana said that all was well except I fainted in front of gests and priest.
All the wedding I was sitting next to that man with a feeling like it’s not me. Like in sitting next to this couple and watch them and it’s not my wedding. It was a strange feeling. Maybe with that I was comforting myself as I knew I make the biggest mistake in my life. Second biggest mistake. First was to agree to get pregnant at 18.
At 6 am we were back home. I untie all my dress and took all hair pins out and we went to bed. No sex. Just sleep. We were tired. So that was it. I was married and didn’t even notice it. In a few days when we saw the tape with our wedding recorded on it I realized it was me there… I was married now. And pregnant. At 18. Without mother and with an evil mother in law.
Since that day my happy dreams were destroying themselves day after day.
She decided that if I’m not as good and rich as they would wish I should be like a slave and do all house work while she will lay on the sofa with her hand in her pants (on her belly as she always explains…) so she tried her best to make me her slave as soon as I gave birth and was capable to do any work. We started to fight coz I didn’t want to do all the work she wanted me to do.
- I always thought that if I’ll have a daughter in law she will be doing all the work in the house and I will have rest…!
- I’m not a Cinderella or a slave to do all the work…!
- But you are not doing any work at all….!
- That’s what you think. I do all I need to do!
An interesting fact was that my father in law and my husband always hide and try to stay out of our fights. And it was even good because I could also say a lot of bad stuff to her. And only when she was crossing all possible lines they were interfering and calm her down or took her away for some time.
She came to me at night when my son was few month old to tell me what to do and how to do. She was commenting at everything and all I did was bad or wrong or not good enough. So when I told her to leave me alone and go away she started to yell.
- You can’t do anything right. And you don’t even want to listen what older people say to you.
- Leave me alone at least at night! MY baby is crying and you yell here…
- U can only lay on bed and do nothing. Look around. You didn’t wash the floor and the baby has nothing to breathe with.
- I had no time to do it! I need to take care of the baby and wash the clothes and iron all his stuff and cook…
- And you didn’t put all his clothes in order! You are a lousy mother!!!
- I don’t care if it is in order or no. I hate order. I know where all of the clothes are so I need no order!
- You lived in pig house with your father and now try to do the same here but I won’t let you!
- I don’t need to do anything! U r a pig already!
- What did you said? Repeat it! You are a little bitch! You killed your mother and now came here to kill us all!
After those words I took my son on my hands and walk away in to another room. At that moment my father in law came and told her to stop speaking stupid stuff. He took her away and I was crying hugging my baby. At that time my husband was away hanging out with friends after work…
Once she even tried to hit me and I had to jump away from her slap me in the face. She always could make my life miserable. Always knew where it will hurt the most. Always calling me names and insulting my father and my family. Always saying I’m fat and ugly and when I wear any new clothes she use to say:
- Will you go to university at these clothes? You look like a clown in a circus!
- Care about yourself and what you wear. And I will be a clown.
- But you live in our house! People will laugh at us too. When you will live alone than do what you want. But till you live in our house you have to do as we say!
My clothes were fine and no one ever laughed at me. She wanted me to look worse than I did and made those comments to make me sad and angry. Sometimes she could…
She was huge and fat herself but always pay attention to extra weight I gain after giving birth. And if I said look at you, she was telling her age is an excuse and my age is not.
So she was poisoning every minute of my life and still doing so.
And the worse was when someone came to visit us.
When my father came to visit she was showing that she is better that us and making herself as a queen. She was telling how lazy I am and that I don’t do anything. And when my friends came or group mates she was coming to my room sitting between us and also telling how bad I am and that I don’t do anything and don’t wash the floor or dishes and don’t put stuffs in order and don’t help her or say bad words. My friends were in shock and didn’t know how to react to that situation. No one had courage to ask her to leave the room and no one had courage to tell her to shut up. So we had to wait till she finish or someone will call for her….
Soon they all knew it and stop visiting me…. I stop asking them to come…I knew why they don’t want to…..Her poison is strong enough to kill the entire good thing in a human being….
My father also notice how she treat him and he couldn’t come…to told me direct that he won’t come to visit me until I’m alone in the house and I didn’t mind…. It was a good decision. So if I was alone and I knew I will be alone in the house for sure I called my father and he came to visit me.
She is my worst nightmare and disgust. I hate her. But I can’t let myself to take a knife and kill the bitch… So I keep going as its all is spinning around.
3.
Another year pass away and I’m still not out of this hell. My friend tells me to run away but I can’t. My son – where will we live? On what money? I still earn so little and spend much more. An empty credit card is yelling for attention I can’t give to it… So I can’t run away. Not even planning to or trying to. Just stuck here and I know it. This year it’s a little bit different than it was last year. I lost some weight for the first during last 10 years! I was dieting! I was on a diet for the last 6 months and I lost 16 kg! Cool ha?
I decided to change my look and made a mistake when bought blond hair color… My hair is dark and with red shine. But sometimes even from black to purple. And after I hit my hair with blond color it became yellow like acid. My girls were saying I’m like a victim of Chernobyl. And I really was looking like radioactive gypsy. So I run to buy more color and this time like brass, the color of light chestnut. It didn’t work and I was orange! Like a carrot! Awful look was even more funny coz a small hairs that just started to grow were now very orange and very visible! I was yelling for help. My head was looking like a torch! I eventually bought my old color and colored it again third, time in a row, hoping all my hair won’t fall out and I won’t end up bald like a cancer patients after chemo. Luckily my hair is still with me. The color wasn’t as I expected. It was lighter and I was red! I end up being a red bitch and I had no courage to hurt my hair with another round of cheep hair color. I was out of money. But I never buy expensive hair color. Through all my life what is expensive it’s not for me. So I still have the remains of Chernobyl victim looks.
Till the end of summer thanks to my diet and exercises I lost some more weight and now look ok. My hair grow a bit longer and it’s the same color as usual so I’m not shy to walk out with my hair lose anymore.
Since I start to lose weight I have changed a bit. It’s all started a year ago.
My granny had a hemorrhage and she was in the hospital. The health care in our country is awful like everything else actually. So the doctors told us she can’t get up…. My granny need to lay down all the time but as hemorrhage hit her brain she don’t recognize us, talk silly stuff and can’t control herself. So someone had to stay with her all the time and watch she won’t get up and hurt herself. My father stayed for the day. And his sister changed him for the night for the first 2 weeks but in the end they had to go back to work. So my father gave me a call and asked if I can do it. I said yes. I stayed for the day and most of the times for the night to let my father have rest. The atmosphere was gloomy and depressing there. My husband was at home and didn’t care much and I was in that awful place where people die sooner than get well. In a room there were four patients and at every bed there was a chair…a simple dining room chair for those who sit at their relatives beds and care for them instead of the nurses. So I was sitting on that chair or walk around the bed all night coz I had to be awake and watch my granny not to get up… I catch her a few times during the night as she wake up and then she fall asleep again. I manage to sleep 2 hours a night on that hard chair holding my hand on my grandma’s hand to feel if she wake up or try to move.
My husband and my mother in law were telling to me that it’s not good that I always go for the night.
- You don’t have your own family? – Yelled shaytana when I was getting ready to go to the hospital for the night – I will go and check if u r going to the hospital or no!
- I do have a family and that’s why I’m going….
During that time my only support was a friend from US. He came to Ukraine to study and lived in Kiev so we talk on the phone a lot. I call him and we talk for long hours… from 9 pm to 3 am he was with me… when the light was off the long hospital halls were empty we were talking quietly and it was my saving. His name is Kiven. He is away now. Went back home. But still is a good friend and support to me in my everyday boring living.
I was talking on the phone with Kiven that day and he was a bit tipsy…. We were talking and laughing…
- Hey I want to meet you – he sound drunk but wasn’t joking.
- I don’t know if I can. You know I’m married.
- I know but hey, you won’t be sorry. You can have sex with an awesome guy like me!
- I WONT REFUSE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU….hahahahahha
- I will need a whole bottle of whisky to fuck you but don’t worry I’ll do it for you.
It hit me like a slap in the face. Did he say that? Was I really that awful that a man need to get drunk to be able to fuck me? Those words hurt me more than anything the old bitch ever told. I felt I have a huge lump in my throat and I can’t speak….
And I start to look for a way to get better since then… His words were on my mind all the time and it still hurts when I remember…. Kiven is an amazing person. I have always liked him and respected him. He is the one who can make me happy or bring me down with only one word. I’ve never got angry for those words though. If he said it then it’s true. So it’s my bad not his. And one more thing about him: he always knows everything… or at least the most of the questions I have is answered by him. He always knows what to do... what medicine to take... how to act... If I’m in trouble he is the first on my mind… Ant I love him as a person, as a friend, because I know I can count on him. This is how it was during last two years. If I don’t know what to do I call him or text him and he tells me all I need to know. He is awesome!
He was in Kiev, in Ukraine and we could talk everyday on the phone or chat at social networks. But in the end of 5th year of his education Kiven left Ukraine and went home and I was left alone. We chat but rarely and I was missing him. So I found a new diet and decided to try it to be occupied. For the first week I lost 5 kg and I was so happy I wanted to go for it and become slim again. I was weak and I couldn’t do the work out so I started with belly dance. I had some video lessons turn that on and repeat. In the middle of every workout I had heartache and had to make a break. But I liked dancing and I even had special music to do it. Once I send a small video to Kiven and he saw me doing the dance. He told me it’s good though we both knew I was awful. His words and support gave me wings and I dint gave up… I kept doing my exercises daily and after a few months I manage to dance without any discomfort. So again thanks to my honey, my dear friend, I manage not to give up but go on improving my body.
I always admire Kiven. With his weird ideas, knowledge, sense of humor. He is awesome (his words) and confident. He gives me what I need. Like confidence and support I had a lack of it. He makes me think about my life style, my problems, and my appearance. Thanks to him I’ve changed a lot. Always made me laugh, saying I should kill the old bitch and live happily without her in my life. I’m not that kind of person who can get so angry to be ready to kill…but that idea always made me laugh….
Sometimes we talk about different stuff. Like religion or different lifestyles in our countries. Kiven went to India, as he live in US but was born in India, and he is there now. So sometimes he tells me what is going on there or how he is doing and I’m always happy to know all about him.
-today i have been to my doctor friend. an old lady came to him while we were chatting & started explaining her symptoms…he asked her to move 1 leg while touching her knee & she started moving the other leg in the wrong way. he gave her an oral thermometer & she kept it under her tounge without closing it.. he was so frustrated & it was so funny to see her
and then came an old guy around 70 with a 6 pack. he says he is a shepherd & that a fly like insect farted in his mouth & he fell sick. also those insects only like shepherds as they smell like sheep too
-do insects fart?????
-nope u silly. that was his theory. he told it to my doctor friend. he is his patient
he asked him what happened to u & he said that coz of that fart he got flu
-i hear stories of demons; superstitions, black magic, etc…a lot of illiterate people live in India.
-no i dont believe in black magic but i think some people have extra powers
-what makes u think so?? have u seen anything like that ???
-had tried some shit myself and then met and old man who never knew me but told me what i was doing... and said i should stop playing with that coz i don’t know how to do it correct and it may hurt me.... was in shock how he knows and really stopped
and also met a girl who told she can see aura...though i cant be sure if she saw it or only told so hahahahaha
-i went to my friends place coz he invited me to test a man claiming to be a fortune teller. s.o.b told 80%right just by looking at our faces ... including where i have a mole/birth mark
-people do black magic in Ukraine ?? what do u call it there?? what kinda shit have u tried ??? r u a witch??
-im a lousy witch as it turned out hahahahha.... i tryed to tell the future on the coffe... i had a book and half of what i saw came true... the rest i couldnt tractate right.... the old man told me if i want to do it a should go and learn how to do it right coz i connect wuith the dead mans world and without knowldge its harmful... i got scared and desided to hell with that coffee
my friends still ask me to do it and tell what is going to happen to them in the futere but i say i lost the book
-w.T.F ??? future on the coffee ??? how ??
-when u want to know smth u drink a coffe using only one hand dont swithing them and u leave the rest in a cup....i dont know how to call it in english... and then i turn the cup upside down and look at the sauser for the past but i never do that no one cares and at the cup i see figures they mean what will be in a future...
-is there a dead man's world ??? be logical
-i understand but it still scary when someone u dont know tells u what u do at home
i may use wrong words to explaine in english but i hope u will understand
-what if its instant coffee?? what coffee beans should be used??or powder is enough ? what did u see that came true ??
-a cat in a cup means a secret u have to keep and untill u keep your mouth shut no one can hurt u... an owul means sickness or death... a broken hear also means health problems.... a dog is a loyal friens... and so on
-what kinda coffee one must drink so see the future ?? cappuchino ? mocha?American black ??Indian ??
-its coffe powder to make coffee and tell....with beans its different... if i find a book u can try hahahah u need to take sum number of coffee beans in your hands and think of a question and then thow them on the table and count how much will fall "with that cut in the middle" up and i read the answer
it doesnt mean what coffee just black coffee... not instant...
can be done on tea leaves but i nver try it.. when i saw awul in my cup old bitch had news that har sister had a stroke next day.... i also saw that my friend will have a baby and she was pregnant by then just didnt know.... and once i saw a hat in my cup... it told that a woman i a hat will ask questions and try to harm me... and indeed at work one of the cleaning women came and start to bug me with questions and i told her to leave me alone...
but after that man scared me i put that book away and have no idea where is it... maybe at work...
-hmmm .... so dear witch , the coffee didn't tell u about me ??
do you believe in dead people world ???
--it wasnt clear and i wasnt that skillfull...hahahah told u i have to go and learn to be good at it
-when people die,they just die.. they go nowhere.. like a rat dies&goes to dead world ??
-i do believe there must be smth more than just death
-hahahha dont be in a hurry without that small book its no use
-I'll try it with coffee beans as i don't like black coffee
--how abt religion then?
r u atheist?
-religion is what we created.. men were nomadic before &we started forming small societies .. what brings people together is a common belief .. that was provided by religion . if religion were to be true ,why we have so many religions??
-i secretly hope u r right coz if no then ill burn in hell for sure
-Islam &Christianity share the same common principles & even saints .. they both have jacobs &Abrahams.. both born @same place. i think 2 brothers with same set of ideas had a fight &1 started Christianity &the other Islam . 1 called Jesus &the other Muhammad . 1 called Jevovah&the other Allah
y would u burn in hell ?? why would u go there ??
-islam belive in jesus but they dont accept him as son of god they say he is a prophet only like muhammad
hahahahha coz im not a good religious person and its my place to go in the end...
-when u die you die like any other being ..like a chicken or pig .. they are living too&according to you should meet u&eat u in hell/wherever u go after death
-i read koran a lil and its so similar to bible.... all the same just in islam in koran they tell how to trade, eat, fight, get marry, all is in there
nice... now u associate me with a pig...
-i gave an example
-i told without even reading Koran that its similar to bible .. i even told u the fact , my theory ,..
i said so much & all u read was pig??
-u r awesome
-that I'm & hence religion is a human creation..there maybe a super power that we may not understand ,but like all energy sources ,it will be discovered too. if u believe in magic ,you should believe in god . if u believe in god ,you should believe in the devil . if you believe in the devil ,u'll be called satanic worshiper/antichrist
if there is heaven &hell ;there should 4 heavens&hells. 1 for each major religion
-i also think that human being needed to believe in something and created religion..... but it wont be funny to be wrong in the end.... and i was taught to believe in god.....so its like 50/50 for me. i believe in god but i may have doubts
-so u don't believe in god .. :-D:-D:-D
-im sure there is one religion just different nations call it different....god allah budda whatever.... upper power may exist....
i try to find my own way...i have doubts abt christianity.... coz u can make lots of bad things and then confess and be clean its like a permittion for sin. they dont have it in islam.
-therefore , i wanna creat a religion ; a new age religion called , "Adisim".. Adi =first /beginning in Sanskrit. also my name ;-);-) I would write my own 10 principles in stone.. will stay for ever &after a few centuries , I'll be the new god .. the god of the future .
convert to Adisim & be the first Disciple .. not to Islam ... ;-);-);-):-):-):-):-*:-*
also i have strange & weird ideas &thoughts.
-aha like to kill all muslims. would never be muslim and abt Adism.....im in
-that&a lot more. u have to kiss Adi,to accept him as your saviour.. tounge is the preferred way
-but that is why i say u r AMAZING.... just not like all the rest... grey mass of people in masks without faces.... No u r different... uve got smth more.... u made me fallow u from the first time we met.... and i never was sorry... not a min... not even when u scold me
-to kill 500000 Indians every day for the next 5 years . first politicians &next corrupt beurocrats &muslims&uneducated &thugs
-a lot of people to kill... u have to find a way to get a profit of it... maybe cheap energy or fuel from human corps...or smth like that...
-All the unwanted ,sheepish people who just nod their heads for no reason,without knowing y .. then, there will be progress . india will be a super power .. i wanna be a Dictator . like Hitler. Biological fertilizer
-U r a hitler of my heart….
That’s my friend. Different and awesome. Funny and smart. Confident and short tempered. He used to tell me when we talk on the phone:
- Don’t piss me off….!
- Ok sorry … I will try not to do that….
But I never could avoid it. I’m being silly often and it is so easy to get on his nerve. But like a masochist I needed him and his attendance in my life. I loved those times when we just chat and shared a bit of laugh and always tried to learn my lesson when he was scolding me for doing or saying wrong. And he did! Sometimes saying I’m stupid, sometimes telling me I’m a bitch, sometimes just telling me not to be silly. I didn’t mind and never got angry for those words. Maybe I needed a psychiatrist a long time ago. From time to time our chat was confusing for both of us.
- i dont understand u.... i try to get u and do my best to understand what u want and what u expect from me but its hard unless u tell me...
- i know.. let me tell u,i need nothing from you . Im not looking for soul mate here online. Infact ,i don't believe in such crap.. I'm here to give you moral support & boost.. If because of me, you Improve your standard of living & lead a better life ,i would be more than happy for you.
I would be so glad that coz of me&my stupid advising, at least 1soul is happy.. To change &lead a better life is in your hands.. I don't expect you to divorce your husband nor i want that to happen. I want you to be able to take bold &strong decisions on your own &be a successful woman. You are not in love. Be logical... You are not 18 !!!
Love is a myth.. Only love is what parents show on their kids coz they are a part of their own.. Sex is what every human wants. Many marriages fail coz of partners sexual dysfunction. Sex&pleasure are confused with love & that's why many relationships fail. You married without any feelings for your husband ??? I'm not a pervert to ask you to satisfy my sexual desires. What i want from you is improvement.. I want you to remember me as the strange guy who helped you reach your goals.. Who encouraged you to be the successful person you would be in the next 10years. For that you have to work hard with determination. Set goals in your life . Reach them.
- since we know each other u made me a better person and more confident 2. ive changed and coz of that my hubby treat me better..... he got scared i may leave and now he is different. or just got old. maybe im still not a succesfull woman but i will try
i respect u and u r speacial to me....... but smtimes u want me to go 4 more than i can.... i need u
- i only ask u to do what u can
u said that ure confident. then y u need me ?? u need urself
u are a very confusing woman,u know that??
- i said im better now then i was be4 u. and ill always need u hon
im the best i know ;-)
- ure the best ?!!! no doubt
- i mean in confusing sm1. im having lunch now. did u eat?
-dont confuse me
- i dont mean to. it just happens :-((
This is what was saving me from all the situation I had around me at home. Shaytana was getting worse every day. She didn’t just yell at me she was also calling me names. She was telling how bad I am to everyone she knew. When my friends came to visit me she was there, just entered the room and start to tell my friends that I’m lazy and don’t want to do the house work or didn’t cook anything and my poor friends were in shock and didn’t know how to react on that. If I told her to leave us coz my friends are not interested in this or want to talk with me instead she didn’t care.
- I want them to know what kind of person u r!
- They know! They are my friends.
- No they don’t know. Girls, tell me, do you help your mothers at home to do the house work? I thought I will have a daughter in law and she will help me coz I’m not young anymore. And Mariana has no mother so she should love me like her mother and I would treat her well. If she would do all I tell her she would be very happy. But she is lazy! She just eats and don’t work at all!
At that point any of my friends would look helplessly in to my eyes and I return the same look meaning I can’t help it… I can’t get rid of her… and they r just staring at the floor studying their feet.
- All day she doesn’t do anything. She just eats, drink coffee and sit at the computer. I told her to wash the floor and she didn’t!
- You were at the kitchen all the time how could I wash the floor? I won’t be crawling under your feet! And please let me have a chat with my friends…
- I’ll go but your friends should know what a lousy housewife you are!
My friends from work came to me to have a drink and talk coz we didn’t see each other for a long time and she ruined all. We all sit in a bad mood now.
- How can u live with her in one house? I would go crazy after five minutes!
- Yea it was awful- said another girl –I feel sorry for you. You have to find a way to live separately.
- But I have no other option. We don’t earn enough to rent a flat and here my son has a roof over his head and food on his table. I have to go on….
Till the end of the evening we were drinking our cocktails and talking but the mood was ruined for everyone.
***
We live in a house with in-laws and an old granny (my father in-law brought his old mother here from Russia) and of course they buy food. Flour, sugar and oil, salt and other stuff like that they buy. We buy bread milk, some meat and other food. They earn more and they pay all the bills. I admit we don’t pay for our living… but the food is the main problem for my mother in law. She is always stingy for food. When I come to the kitchen she always follow me like she needs something… She is there watching what I’ll take or what I’ll eat. It’s so depressing. Many times we have a fight and then she yells that she forbids me to eat her food. Most of the times it’s happening when I’m out of money and my husband is away. She can sense that I can’t go and but food for myself and forbid me to eat her food…. At those times I may stay hungry all day drinking only tea. There were times when I didn’t eat anything at home for two weeks. She didn’t notice and keep saying I ate all the food she bought and that I’m so fat I can’t see where I’m going. It’s so hard to live with people under one roof, wash the floor, clean the rooms and be unable to eat. Since I was made to go through this I promise myself always feed anyone who is hungry. I always ask my friends if they ate. Sometimes my friend is hungry and I take all I have in a fridge and go to her place to feed her. Because I know better than anyone what it feels like to be hungry. She always wants me to go and something… In fact all the time she talks to me she start the conversation with the words “…Go and do…” And she don’t want to understand that I’m a human and I have feelings, needs, problems, that it’s hard for me sometimes to get up from bed coz I have strong headaches…. When she tells me to go and do some work and I refuse because I have a headache she is yelling that I pretend and it’s just laziness. I have to work all the time and never eat to be a good daughter in law. If I can’t do like that I’m a bad one for sure. So many times she made me cry and so much time it took me to do what she says and still be called a lazy bitch. If I wash the kitchen floor she would say the cupboard is dirty or the dishes in the sink left by me though I didn’t left any. If I clean in the bathroom she would tell that the shoes are all mine in the hall and I have to take them away. But when I go to take them away, there only 2 pairs of shoes that belong to me, and 5 pairs of shoes that she is wearing. But I can’t say anything. My shoes are not in the right place.
àäðåñà: https://www.poetryclub.com.ua/getpoem.php?id=336215
Ðóáðèêà: ˳ðèêà
äàòà íàäõîäæåííÿ 09.05.2012
àâòîð: Mariana