1
She was sitting in a cozy café with a cup of coffee and looking at the painting at the wall. It was a fine painting, all in pink colors. It was a ballerina, who was changing her dress and a part of her breasts were visible. But it wasnt rude or vulgar. It was a fine painting indeed.
The girl was sitting alone in a café. At 10 oclock in the morning there were no other visitors. She took a table at the window to watch passersby. In the middle of autumn all people were looking grey and identically the same They were walking past her, past the small café at the corner of the street, past the life itself. They all were in the masks of busy people who were hurrying somewhere for something.
Masks Grey, cold faces
It was funny how come she never noticed it This people in masks. What if? What if she also has such mask to put on in case of emergency? What if she wont be able to find out when she was real and when she wore a mask? What if she also turned to grey?
One quick glance at a girl who was serving her She was hiding behind the counter and was busy with something, definitely not work. Another type of mask cowered that cute young face. And a painting
What was that in this painting that took all her attention? Was it this pink color? Or the nude breasts? Or the dress? She finally saw it. The girl from the painting had no mask on her face. Another funny thing Another.
- Can I get u anything else miss? Miss? Miss?
- Ahh. Excuse mewhat?
- Can I get u anything else miss?
- No thank you Im fine as it is
Was she? Was she ok.was she alive? Sitting there like a doll behind the screen of dirty windowwas she real? Or was she only the phantom? Maybe someone will see her sitting there alone and will think that she was waiting for some friend. Or even try to come and start a conversation. But she really needed this quiet café without visitors to be alone If only people realized it before ruining her private conversation with herself.
Coffee was black and sweet and hot. Just like her. She was like the taste of coffee. She was different. Yes she was simple. And complicated at the same time. She was like the weather. She could be anything like and nothing like at once and she knew very well till that moment that there is no person in the whole world who could understand her. Not a soul
Now memories were dancing around her like butterflies. All of different shapes and forms. All spinning and swirling like a whirlpool. There there She is young girl, standing alone in the field in a summer dress and watching sunset. How deep she could always feel the beauty of nature. And how lonely she felt when there was no one to share these feelings with.
Ahh look! She is pretending to be like all the rest. She walks to school, eats, and talks just like all the rest Silly girl was trying to find her place Silly, silly girl. How can u find what doesnt exists?
And here she was crying. She couldnt even understand why she cried. She cried because she had tears. And felt emptiness and sharp pain inside her soul. How can she understand the powers that are bigger and stronger than her? How can she absorb them? Calm them? So there were only tears in the darkness on the lonely night Only water
Memories. Why they are flying here all of a sudden? Who called them? These nasty butterflies that can sting straight in to the soul No! It wasnt her! Was it? Could she? But how?
She looked around. The same café at the corner of the street. The same coffee The same pink painting and ballerina on it.with her sweet nudity The same pain The same. Grey, cold, empty world around with the only pink spot on the wall.
She sipped her coffee With her eyes closed she was trying hard to stop feelings and just taste her coffee. Her soul like a bird in a cage was trying to find the way out. But her mind was the cage. A strong and logical mind. A strong and unbreakable cage.
Sweet Hot Strong. Like a heart. Her heart should be just like this coffee Shouldnt it? And why cant she compere it? Her heart and her cup of hot drink
And if so.than her life is like a café.with grey walls and a pink ballerina painting. She just have to find this painting in her soul. And put in on the place it should be. On the wall with a hole. On the wall with a stain On a broken wall.
A fine painting indeed
2
A beautiful dayweather.soul.
Your beautiful soul attracts me like a flower attracts a butterfly
Is it possible not to be addicted to that eternal source of pleasure and peace that is called by your name?
Is it possible to live a life not knowing the deepest depths of your precious soul?
Need you like an air to breathe
His eyes. Yes that was it. That must be his eyes Or the tone of his skin. Or the smile Ahhh She never saw a smile like that. His smile was so warm and calming Like waves of the ocean. Like the sunrise or maybe like the moonlight. She cant even find a good comparison to this natures wonder which was his smile Calming.. Promising. Loving..
And his eyes of course She loved those eyes as much as a smile. She was able to see the whole world in those eyes. She was able to see the fire that he always tried to hide behind the calmness of his eyes. She was sure there was a lot of fire in those eyes. She knew very well she can look in to his eyes for eternity and be lost in them.She already was lost in those eyes.
Then she remembered his lips. Like a sharp knife stung her heart She wanted to feel those lips now and she wanted it so much it hurt her Beautifully curved lips which were promising pleasure every time she saw them
Kiss Kiss Kiss
She was ready to die for a single kiss of those lips she loved so passionately.
His lips.
And his skin. Mediterranean tone of skin So unlike from all the men around her.So attracting So enchanting. He has got a skin color of honey And when she calls him honey she means his perfect skin tone.Yes he was her honey
She often looks at his hands and holds her breath while she thinks of how beautiful and attractive his hands are. She had always paid attention to mens hands. It was important to her And his hands were the ones she dreams of at night.She wants to be held by those particular hands.. The best. All his body is sexy and attractive Does he know that? Does he know how great he looks? She cant give an answer to that question But she knows She knows
In her dream she is falling to his feet and holds him by his knees.. Crying like a baby and being happy to be thereAt his feet.Like a dog always ready to serve her master..Always happy to be near.
She loved every little thing about him
Now she was sitting with a cup of coffee and was thinking how much she loves him.she LOVES him. And this time it was so very different. Not just because she was in love with him madly. But because she loved his soul more than life itself
Yes it must be his soul That was a charming source of delight she needed constantly like she needed air to breath or water to drink, the same way she needed him now.
Every second she wanted to bathe in the cool waters of his soul and have rest at the coast of his tenderness..
In her mind he was life. He was the water she was swimming in he was the fire that kept her warm. He was energy that kept her going. He was her everything So precious... So important And yet so distant. So not hers
That was the main reason of her tears. He wasnt hers And if she also wasnt his. Than it meant darkness and cold in her soul. Than it meant tears on her eyes... Storm in her heart. Thunder and lightning in her own soul. Thats why she was raining so often. She needed him more than she could bear.
Now her coffee is almost cold.She was dreaming again and again about him. The love of her life. Her man.
The one thing she wishes to see more than anything else is to see him sleeping. She smiled. Yes it must be such a treat to see him sleeping in the morning and to wake him with a kiss or a gentle touch.
No tears.She promised herself not to cry when someone might see her. And now she was doing her best for not to cry. But her longing was bigger than life. How to bear?
She looked out of the window
How can her life be so cruel? To give her all this hope. To show her true love
And not a chance ho held her head on his chest listening his heartbeat. Not a chance
There is hope There must be hope in her heart.Or else the blood will stop running along her veins.She has to keep hope in her wounded heart.To go on day after day.To go on.To live. To survive
Strong wind was hitting the passersby and trying to hurt themlike he was angry with them for they went outside at this early morning All the streets were his and all people also belonged to the wind. The wind. The wind of destiny pushed her to find this miracle she now calls her love. And it can take it back some day.
Ohhhhh please dont hurt her love Dont take it away Dont ruin her love Only love refilled the emptiness of her soul And only his love. Her precious love..
A teardrop fall down from her eyelashes and fall straight in to the cup. How silly she must be. He will laugh at her if he finds out.He told her a thousand times she must be happy.She found love. The biggest wonder between steel forests of urban life
3
The snow was falling down from the sky so quiet and peacefully that it seemed like a melody
So many years have passed and she always loved snow. She was a daughter of December and winter. It was in her essence The snowfall.
Every year when winter came to the town it was like a fairytale. And every time it was like the first time ever.
The snow.
She came to the window and looked outside. Yes she loved to look at the snowfall. She loved rain but snow was much much better. Quiet and cold. Calming and charming. It was all she needed. This white snow This poetry made by nature
She always thought it was wrong to call snow white. It was black While the snow was falling it was black. She was looking up now and saw black snowflakes. Yes they were all black. Just as she thought they would be. Only after they touch the ground they were white Magic. Miracle
This was just like her feelings. As long as she was alone and without him she was blackThe black snow. But as soon as she had some news from himAt least a single word. A signal from far away that he still remembers about her existence, she was turning to bright white color.
This was her moment of peaceWatching the snow falling down and melting on the road Why does it melts.How much she wants it to be there.The white blanket that will hide all dirty and grey and make everything look peaceful and sparkling.
Music The piano melody is playing and it feels like the snowflakes are dancing outside her window Like a small ballerinas doing their last performance.And die on the road. Grey and dirty road
How beautiful and sad. Snowfall and the piano melody How much it looks like her soul dancing and dying without him
She opened the window. A fresh and cold air swayed around her like trying to hug her and comfort her. She breathed in closing her eyes and trying to feel this calm winter. She cant stay like this for ever. Free With her eyes closed and her soul all out and opened But she wishes to.
When she opened her eyes it was still snowing and even more cold She can feel cold so she is still alive Still capable to feel To feel something else except her love and sadness.She can feel something as primitive as cold and hunger That must be good That must be like normal.
She raises her hand and catches the snowflake It was so beautiful on her hand But it melted so soonLike the joy of her conversation with the one she loved As soon as she was alone she was like a melting snow. It turned to a tear And there is another one that falls on her lap and melts. All snowflakes are tearsFrozen tears of those who cry at the window after their lovers.Her own tears must be among these snowflakesAnd a lot of themFrozen teardropsFrozen memories about happy and sad moments with each other Frozen smiles.Frozen words Frozen love and frozen life.
How to ease this pain? She grabbed her head between her hands and wanted to scream
SOS signal melts with the snowflakes on her hair and he will never hear it.How sad and depressing. S O S S O S S O S.
Save my soul from this winter Save me from this life I dont belong to Save my heart from this pain I always feeling.
This melody is on repeat It is as calm and cold as winter itself And it is as sad and heartbreaking as the story of her life. She loves this melody She loves this winter. She loves him.
How much she wanted him to see her under the snowfall dancing and catching the snowflakes with her hands With snow on her hair and on her eyelashes. When all around is white and quite How much she needed him here With his hot kisses on the cold winter scenery
Her lower lip started to shake She wanted to cry She was cold and lonelyShe was a snowflake on the hand of the passerbyShe knew she will melt Tears rolled on her cheeks and she looked up again. Who ever thought that the snow is black when it falls from the sky. But she knows it for sure. She can see it... The black cold snow of destiny The black snow that will cover her pain
She closed the window and fall on the bed to cry herself to sleep. Tears are her relief and her way to stay sane.
Like a snowflake she will dance with her loneliness and cry under the melody of the piano quietly floating over the room.
She was just a snowflake.. A black snowflake.
4.
If only he could see her now She is sitting by her desk with a canvas and a needle in her hands She is not doing pictureShe is embroidering her soulHer heart Her love All her feelings Every stitch is made with love and passion Every stich is made very careful and with great attention If only.
He will like it. She was sure he will like it. More than that. She was sure he will understand it. He was her soul and he was the only one in the whole world who could understand her He was her honey.. Her lover Her man He was able to understand
Five stiches to the left Two to the right
She was completely concentrated at her work. She wanted to put her soul in to the canvas and give him as present she was doing it with deep loveIt was all her in this embroidery.
Another three stiches to the left and five down
Every evening she is doing this to finish as soon as possibleEvery evening she comes home tired and finds time and strength to do her hand work Make him happy is her dream To be a little bit closer to him is her goal.
She will go on a little bit more for today She will go to bed later She has to finish this piece Sleepy.tired No... A little bit more
She keep imagining how happy he will be to receive it how will he react? What will he say? How happy she will be to please him... Happy.Smiling to herself she did a few more stiches and closed her eyes.She was dreaming nowAbout her lover Her honey How much she needs his arms around her.His touch His kiss.His love.
She looked at her work and was satisfied It was so much like herIt was called passion A picture of her surrounded by his arms occurred in her mind and made her shiver. She has to stop dreaming of it and go back to work
Twelve stiches down and one to the right Then she will go to bed Then she will have rest till tomorrow
Her fingers were stung with needle more than once. Sometimes it was bleeding on the place where the needle stung her flesh. She knew she has to be more careful but while doing her embroidery she also dreams of her honey and her mind flies away to the place he lives.
He is so dear to her heart So precious She had never met a man more noble and wise than he was More gentle and sweet She never knew there can be someone better than him He was the one and only for her now
She stood up and stretched her muscles Tired But she will finish soon and will be so much happy to send her gift. It was a gift made from the threads of her soul.and on the canvas of her love and passion. A gift of one lover to another
Carefully she put it away and went outside of the houseShe needed a smoke and some air It was late night and there were stars in the black velvet canvas of the sky. So beautiful She stood there under the sky lonely and distant Her mind was swirling around the memories of him Maybe somewhere he is also standing under the night sky and thinking of her Maybe one day they will stand like that together holding hands
Chill night air tickled her nostrils It was late She knew she has to go. But it was so peaceful here So nice Calming She wanted to melt in to the night without the rest Disappearing from this life and appear in another one Where he was with her Belonged to her
Dreams
A sad smile touched her lips
All she has are her sweet dreams.
5
So many days have passed since the day she was sitting alone in a café and had her coffee daydreaming Now she remembered that day and that ballerina painting She didnt know why she thought about that day now Maybe because she was feeling more free there Alone with her thoughts and her dreams
Now she was sitting in the room and was busy She had to do a lot of paper work A pen was in her hand For a moment she stopped writing and raised her head She was sitting across the window and now was looking outside But she couldnt see anything what was behind the window glass The look in her eyes was empty and distant She herself couldnt hear her thoughts She lost herself for a few minutes She didnt mind
All her senses were numb for this few minutes Like all her nature was falling asleep And she realized she needs it She needs rest.She realized she wants to be far away from here Somewhere quiet and lonely placewhere no one will disturb her But then she remembered about all the stuff that holds her here
At this city this job this life.
She put the pen down and stood up. She came more close to the window and held her hand close to the glass. She can feel the winter cold outside. Same cold and darkness holds her soul as a prisoner. No way out. No way
Her reality is her cage and her punishment. Her life is her biggest pain and trouble. It has always been like this Cage She was going in to nowhere, not sure in tomorrow and not feeling sorry about yesterday Just existed Just lived Breathed
She embraced herself with her hands At the moments like that she needed embraces but she was so lonely Yes there were people around her but she was lonely All alone in the dark oceans of the universe
She was away from there now Her heart and soul were so far away In the place where she was needed Appreciated.. Loved Cared afterIn the faraway place called dreamland
Her longing for him couldnt be described with words. It was so much bigger than she was.It was all she could feel now Longing Strong and painful. Sharp feeling of need for another person just to be near. Her honey How much she needs him.
A side look catches a black classic hat she bought a few days ago. She doesnt wear any other hats or caps Just like this one. She doesnt need any other Doesnt like herself in any other..
It was late and she was going home sitting at the back seat of a taxi She was looking out of the window thinking how ridiculous her life was How difficult and wrong How hard it was to go on knowing there were no light in the end of her way Except him Yes he was that light she needed badly. He was.
The night streets were illuminated and as the car was driving they were passing fast outside the window Like the days of her life pass and cant come backand this night is so dark.so lonely so familiar to her The night like this will hug her with its cold bony hands and wont let her goWont let her to get warm Dark night.
After closing the doors of the taxi she walks a few steps till the door of the house. It is all dark and quiet. All must be sleeping. She will try to not wake them up Night So far away from here in another world There is also late night... Also stars in the sky And as long as her body is here Her heart and mind went to this far away land
Night
All day she was wearing a mask.Hiding her true feelings.. Hiding how different she was How not like all the rest of people around her But at night she could be herself She could be free.AloneOr more often lonely and free DifferentNever understoodNever accepted among others Among creatures more primitivemore shallow
Night
She knew there was darkness inside her. Among a lot of light and sparks there was a lot of darkness in her Almost visible darkness almost touchable pain
At night she lets her soul out At night she can stop pretending to be someone else She can let herself to cry To be sad... depressed She is alone So no one will ask questions The night will kiss her shoulders and bestow her with pearls of the sky The night will hug her and comfort her The night will hide her tears Her pain Her sorrow The night will listen to her and understand her She was the night herself
Night Dark night
6
Fear..
Worries.
Its a part of herA piece of her essence Her nature A fear to be alone A fear of emptinessDarkness in her own soulA fear of living like this till the end Like this And she realized that this is so wrong She needed love, care, passion, tenderness, and she needed it in her everyday life Not in a dream
She is afraid that her life is meaningless and there will be nothing in the end to be proud of... Nothing to remember Nothing to worship
Fear Emptiness that was eating her soul for many long years till now For many long nights till now Only with him she was able to refill that emptiness. So now there is a greatest fear of all A fear to lose him
She is so weak and unprotected at the face of her fate. She is so unremarkable And at the same time she wants to be a whole world for a man she loves so muchHis whole life. And it gives her another reason to worry... That she isnt worth it That she is not good enough for him... That she is too primitive too spoiled Worried about everything.Scared of living her own life. Scared of taking his life from him Always worry Always fear. It is her
She is afraid that after opening her soul so wide she will be rejected and forgotten After she will give him all of herself without the rest there will be nothing left and it will be an end of her But she is ready to go to the end... To give it all To bestow him with her soulwith her heart With her love
These worries make her cry at night when the feeling of loneliness is too sharp and she cant resist When there is nothing to calm her and no one to calm her When there is no one to protect her and comfort her. Long and cold nights
She loves him She longs for him. She respects him She adores him She admires him He is so special The best in the whole world But there is another fear That she is not good enough for him And he has just the same doubts How funny
Fear of losing him is the strongest of all
Fear of never touch his hand Never feel his kiss Never melt in his arms This is so much painful to be awaySo she is afraid it will always be like this If her dream will never come true than what will happen to her?
She looked at the clock... Time to go now She has to go to work... Has to do her duty Has to pretend she is ok Happy with what she has Has to pretend she is just like all the rest Shallow as all the rest Has to hide how different she really is She is doing it all the time Hiding and pretend She is good at it
She learned how to be as grey as all the rest How to hide the true colors of her inner world... And when he saw those colors she knew he was the one
But now she is worried that she will forget how to hide her true identity, and people will find out she is not like them Then she will be banished Rejected Thrown away.
She can be herself with him.But only with him No one else can understand Not even her friends and family He is the only one And she tried to prove it to him though he cant believe it.But it is true
Among all the people she knew till now he was the first one who could see her real self Who helped her to take off the false mask and become herself Who can understand her or at least tries to understand Who cares about her not only about himself The one and only. Her honey Her lover... Her man. The man she loves.
Fear
Scared to death to be left alone by him She lives for him and breath for him She is ready to do all he wishes like a slave She is ready to serve him Scared to be left without her strength and support Her only support
He became her life Her heart and soulHer dream and realityHer universe So she is scared to die inside if something will go wrong.
Always fear Always worried
Silly girl that is standing under the snowfall and tries to resist the strong wind She is hiding her hands in her sleeves from cold and hiding her soul behind the mask from the whole world. Her soul is just for him to play with Just for him No matter how much she will be worried or scared
Fear She will beg him to forgive her for all this silly worries and fears She will beg with tears in her eyes. But it is a part of her that cant be rejected or denied.
He has to love her just the way she is. And she is so scared.
7
On Friday aloneOn Thursday together
Like in a childs rhyme Friday was not like the rest of the days of the week Friday was dark, gloomy and always too long
She loved Thursday too much She was in a good mood on Thursdays and liked that days the most. But Friday was a bad day. Definitely not her day
Today was Friday and as soon as she opened her eyes she knew it was a bad day The day she dislike now. There was no need to hurry up from her bed, or grab her cell phone from the table. She knew there will be nothing for herNot a word from him
It was Friday
She got up from her bed and went to the kitchen. Everything seems so dull at this day... CoffeeShe needed a big cup of strong coffeeIt will help her to feel alive It will bring some energy to her weak body It will spread energy through her veins Like it or not but today is Friday
With a cup of coffee she goes back to her room. A quick glance at her cell phoneThere were no need to check She knew he was sound asleep at this momentShe must to get going But first Her big cup of strong sweetened coffee
Long and boring Friday
At the end of the day she will go home alone and tiredIt will be dark outsideThe streets will be abandoned and barely illuminated She will light up a cigarette and have a smoke while walking and thinking about him Her slim cigarettes are one of a few ways to escape from the reality She will feel tired.And not physically tired, but mentallyShe will be depressedShe will walk slowly and will have her smoke. She will watch the moon in the sky and wish to be as cold and free as a moon.No feelings No longing No pain
Friday. Her Friday.
She is his ghost Invisibleuntouchable But her spirit is always with him like a ghost she fallows him in her heart and mind and longs for him every second of her life. But on Friday she is so distant.So far away.
She is so scared, lost, hurtShe need him to be with her and support herHe was the one who showed her the other world.The other wayThe way to be happy.He taught her to smileHe taught her not to be afraid of happinessHe showed her that life can be better and there is a goal. To be happy together
He was like guidance for her Like a chance not to be broken forever Like a way out A possibility to stay alive.to live He is her everything.
She needs one thing more than anything in the whole world for him to take her by the hand and lead her through her life. So she will keep dreaming. Dreams are allowed. Dreams are a part of her that no one can take away. Inseparable part of her soul that will always be with her.
Sweet dreams.
Grey sky outside her window was hanging over the house like trying to scare her that it can be broken with heavy snowfall any minute now. But she didnt care She wasnt going anywhere today And she loved snow So she was looking at this grey celling outside and thinking But her thoughts were so fast and inseparable from one another.what was she thinking of? She couldnt tell.About life Pain Love. About all at once Somehow she manages to live her life Do her everyday routinedo her duties go on and stay sane. It makes her wonder how strong she must be without knowing it Not broken till nowOr at least not completely broken
She was missing an important part of her all the way till now. She was always missing himwithout knowing his name She was missing him all her life Every day And it was emptying her soulthe need of him and without knowing it.
But as soon as she found him she refilled that emptinessShe knows now what was missingShe knows it was natural to miss himShe realized it wasnt wrong to look for the unknown and miss the unknownBecause it was him all along Her love Her honey
And now she misses him even more than before. She knows him now She longs for him She was born with the need of being with him With the need of his love and care She was born to be his soul His heart His shadow
She knows it now And feels calmer Now she knows where her destination is By his side... In his arms.Next to him Like a ghost... Like a shadow Like a part of him her destiny leaded her to him stubbornly and for sure There couldnt be any other way except to find him. She belongs to himAlways was And always will..
And today was Friday She missed him even more on Friday Definitely not her day.
8.
A little angel made by her stood on the table. She made it herself and liked it a lot. It was so nice and beautifulShe painted it in silver with the gold aureole on its head. The wings were left white She looked at it againNice
An angel She made it as a symbol Her hopeHer loveHer soulHer everythingAll was just like this angelNice Pretty... Easy to broke and unprotected She was thinking now where to put it? How to protect it? For no one broke it in to pieces... Like her own heart that was broken before. No! She has to protect her little angelHer hope for miracle Her hope
Little angel will be the main decoration for her fir-treeit will be on top of it Not a Christmas star but this handmade angel of hope It is the beginning of a new year, the beginning of new life, new dreams, new hopes
In her heart and soul the hope was born at the day she met him This hope was living in her heart and growing there each day. Her angel of hope.Her angel
She was trying to put a piece of her soul into each her creationIn her embroideryIn this angelIn all she was doing with love and thought about him And he was at her mind always If she is still sane than she is lucky Because she starts to think she is possessed or crazy But she is crazy! She is crazy about him
MadIn love And lost forever.lost in his eyes lost in his soul disappeared Dissolved without a trace of her old self She is new as this angel New and different... Better With him she is a better personWith him she is self-confident, loved, cared for, smiling and calm. Only with him she is calm.
When they are together the time stops and the entire world goes numb... There are only the two of them and their feelings. She wishes he was with her now and saw how she created this littler silver angel of hope. Wises so much that she is ready to cry.
She took the clay in her hands and it was a piece of nothing before she formed an angel of it. She was wild and lost until he took her and formed an angel of her like she just did Than she was in love and that was her silver paint and gold aureole He was her creator He made an angel of herCalling her his angel he just confirms her theory. Was she an angel? No. Maybe a fallen one But for him With him. With him she was all he wanted her to be And will be all for him She belongs to him like this toy belonged to her now. She will protect this toy And he will protect her.Perfect harmony.
Angel of hope.
Now the cup of green tea were in front of her... As she added sugar in to the cup, the tea leaves were swirling around in a beautiful dance and she watched them in silence. Everything in the world was far away at that moment There was she.. Her cup of hot green teaand her thoughts. Teaspoon in her hand She moves it without noticing that the sugar has dissolved and all the tealeaves fall down in her cup It is her big favorite cup It is her bitter and favorite thoughts A sip of hot drink and she closes her eyes enjoying her time She is alone and that is too much rare occasion so she will enjoy as much as she can.
Hope to be free from this life and hope to start a new one. That is her secret Her dream To be there, where her heart is at every second as she breathe To be with him With her honey. He makes her complete He makes her perfect. Full of life He inspires her.
She created this little angel of hope. It will be her symbol Symbol of true love and hope for better future Future spend together Symbol of all her wishes that cant come true cant be achieved yet Symbol of sincerity and sacrifice
She will take it with her in to the New Year Into the new lifeLittle angel of hope
9
She learned to liveTo go on To breathe againEven if it was hard and painful to live aloneWithout the only person on earth that she needed by her side
She was looking at the painting she draw 5 years ago It was mountain scenery Peaceful Distant... Bright A blue river was crossing all the painting and a small house was at the river bank
To be away from this hell. To run away But she cant
Her thoughts were like a treeFrom one bigger brunch to the smaller one and on and on. But all her thoughts had the same tree trunk him
He was the beginning and the end of everything
Waking up every morning with a thought of him and going to bed with him on her mind was so natural and usual. Just like it has always been this way
It is dark in her room and she wont switch on the light She is alone and the music is playing rather loud. She is in the center of her room like in the center of the universeEverything else doesnt existOnly she is awake nowIn the middle of the night She absorbs the sounds of this music Her favorite music Light and melodic She is dancing She is so full of tension and emotions that she needs to drop that all out She cant cry tonight There are no more tears for tonight So she is dancing. Light... Melodically... Than wild... Rhythmically and almost forgetting herself in this dance Her dance of passion and love. Her dance of sorrow and longing Her dance of remembrance and sacrifice. She is all in this dance She does not hear anything The melody is inside her In her essence In her soul She can feel it So all her movements express her feelings. Her pains her and joy Her passion and her calmness
Dancing in the dark.
Dancing till the whole sadness and depression leave her Till she will lose the ballast of it Till she will become free And ready to accept the new slaps of her destiny straight in to her face. Dance wild Dance freely... Dance till the end of all negative in her soulTill she will be clean. Rebuilt Fresh Reborn Than she will fall unconscious on her bed and forget the entire world around in a deep sleep till morning
Morning brings new hope New beginning New story of her life. New short story in her book She often wakes up in a good mood in the morning Not remembering what she was doing last night. Not trying to remember Feeling comfort that she forgot.
There is a lot of darkness inside of her She knows it She can feel this dark side turns her in to the depressed creature of the night. She was hiding it for a long time inside her soul Deep down below the surface She was trying to fight with it To get rid of it But every time this darkness came back and took her soul as a prisoner of the night. In the end she was always losing the battle
So she found a way out dance Dance for her soul... Dance for her life. Dance for her dream. Dancing in the dark
She had always loved to dance. Since she was a child When she was sad and when she was happy So now it was her saving To dance for not to die from this loneliness and sorrow To dance Alone... In the darkness of her room In the darkness of her soul... In the darkness of her world
How much trouble, pain and separation, her soul can take before to go to heaven? How many days of black, grey despair? There, in depth, at the very bottom of her heart, there in her soul, at the holy altar, there should be his love.
Oceans of tears, oceans of pain covered the way for both of them Could they make it? Could they both go through and not to turn away? Not to be broken under the pressure of fate?
She doesnt have to hide from heavy, dark thoughts She dance them out of her mind now Wild and freely She lets her soul out and absorbs it again.
Her shadow, her soul is looking for solitude In a charming melody she forgot about her fears Forgot about her pain... Even love was forgotten for those few sweet moments of freedom
Dance.
She was dancing in the dark.
She was dancing with her loneliness
10
The lonely longing of my eyes will call you to the bottom of my soul
The sad melody of my eyes will call you not as a friend
The soul will be set free and sing like a bird
Do not overwrite our fate but remember for eternity my poem my word.
It is not the time to say goodbye But it is a time to forget.
She had a mark on her back. It wasnt a scar But it was a mark from her wings. She used to have wings... She used to fly... Long time ago she had a pair of wings White and beautiful wings. She could fly high over the world... Over the people shallow and primitive Over her problems and trouble. She cant now She had lost her wings
She made a mistake that cost her too much her wings her ability to fly... A mistake she hopes never to make again Dreadful mistake
She was young She had wings She was different and no one was there for her... to understand her So she was lonely And scared to be alone for always There was emptiness in her soul And she didnt know why... How to refill it With what
Than a big tragedy happen and broke her Her mother died It was more than she could bear So she lost a part of her soul She became even more lonelier than before
That was a reason she said yes to a man she never loved. That was a reason for a big, huge mistake. She let him to take her body, to ruin her soul, and she lost her wings instead When she realized what happened it was too late Too late to fix it Too late to get her wings back She was lost
Long years since that time she was feeling grief She was remembering her lost wings with sorrow She was angry at herself and angry with the man who took them without noticing it She was thinking long and hard how to get them back
And again there were no one to tell her what to do She was alone with her sorrow
She decided that having a family can give her this feeling of peace and happiness That motherhood can give her a new pair of wings So she made a new mistake. She got married to the same man The same she never loved The man who never loved her as it turned out The man who couldnt understand her Couldnt see what was inside of her soul How broken and lost she was How hurt and miserable How unprotected.
She had lost her wings more than ten years ago She learned to live without them. She learned to walk instead of fly. She learned how to be like everybody else. She got use to it
And after all this years she realized what was missing in her soul She understood it was love she needed.It gave her hope. Hope to be reborn from the ashes like phoenix If she will find a true love she can get her wings back.If only she could find a true love Pure Real Her love
So she started to look for it First among people she knew But it was useless Than she started to look all over the world She wanted to feel herself free again Feel herself young, careless, full of light
She was looking for a long time No use All she was calling love was false, fake, and she couldnt fly anyway. But in her heart there were a small candle her hope
It was a nice day She was in a good mood She found a new friend A person that she wanted to talk with, a person who she found interesting, educated, noble, polite, a very good person
They were chatting for many hours now without a break and she still needed more and more It was so new to her, so unlike the things she knew before, so much better He was much, much better than anyone she knew He was like a miracle... Like her mirror To talk with him was so natural, easy, so pleasant She was all in this conversation with him and when she looked around for a moment, she couldnt believe her eyes She was high above the ground She was flying Without even noticing it she was flying again with a pair of white beautiful wings at her back They were spread wide, her new, white, beautiful wings She was surprised. How? And then it came to her. She was in love. She found what she was looking for. She found a missing piece of her soul And he gave her a new pair of wings to fly to dream to be free.to be herself.
It happened just like that All of a sudden And she was so amazed Her heart and soul were full of emotions... She could fly.
He was a present given her by her destiny He was her everything now. She will do her best to be worth it. She will try to explain to him what a perfect gift he made for her. The best He saved her.
Every night since than she was standing on the windowsill, thinking about her lover she spreading her wings wide and fly high in the sky. She was dreaming.
Dreaming about her honey
11
Twinkle, twinkle little stars..
She was singing the childs song Her heart was singing. She was dreaming
That night she was standing on her windowsill with a cigarette in her hand and smoking... She was doing so every night. Stars. The sky was all covered with stars. She was looking at this beauty and dreaming about her lover.She was sure he was a guiding star for her to find a way in life To choose a right way.
Twinkle, twinkle little stars..
She remembered this song and her heart wanted to sing She wanted to sing and dance all the time she was thinking about her honey He was her life now... He was her star He showed her the way in the dark of the night and saved her soul
How I wonder what you are..
She was wondering how could it be, that such a strong feeling was born in her wounded heart... In her worn out soul How is it possible that he is so perfectso precious and he feels the same How can they read each others minds? How?
Up above the world so high.
And at the same time he was so far away Unreachable Untouchable... He was just like the stars in the sky.She was deprived from his touch His kiss His presence in her everyday life. And she needed him too much All the time to live To breath To exist
Like a diamonds in the sky.
He was her diamond Her treasure Her precious love. He was in her heart... In her soul In her mind In her blood He gave her hope He showed her the love, that came from the heart he inspired her to create and to live.
So she was again on her windowsill smoking that night she was feeling different Must be alcohol She often let herself to have a drink BrandyThat night they were having brandy she couldnt refuse to have a drink with her friends It helped a lot It made her feelings less sharp... Less strong Less painful It also made her less hurt That she is alone That he is away That her life was miserable She needed a drink that night Who cares? Ohhhhh yes he cares. He does But he is so far away Like the star in the sky She tried to reach the star But all she could catch was a snowflake. No She cant reach the stars She cant reach him So it breaks her heart apart
Suddenly she was away not here not at this life. Away In a dreamland... With all her problems forgotten and solved With only good feelings with love and passion around her. Than she opened her eyes again.. Night Stars. Her windowsill. Just a dream
So hard to be alone in a world so cold and alien How bad she was feeling every time when she faced problems and couldnt tell anyone How hard it was to keep it all inside and not to tell a soul that she suffers from this wild loneliness. Black Long and dark night is her master. She cant resist She cant fight it
She is too weak
Stars. She wishes upon a falling star And her wish is always the same..
Twinkle.Twinkle little stars
12
Walking alone from work she tries to find the solution to her daily problems. She has to buy medicine to her son and some milk and she also needs a smoke She stops to find cigarettes and a flash alights her mind and tells her she is trapped This is a big trap and she is busted
She isnt free to change a thing in her life She has a son to care for, so she cant change her life She doesnt own her life anymore She doesnt live for herselfAlmost seven years of her life belongs to her child. She lives for him, she goes on for him, she lets people to hurt her to protect him and give him all he needsHer son Her child Her own flesh and blood
She loves him and is giving him all her love He is so like her Like a mini copy of herself Always naughty and stubborn, but with a sweet smile and kind heartHer baby
She has to buy him medicine He got sick and he needed her She must hurry up
The sound of her heels hits the nights silence and disappears into the darkness She is going home now. She will find two people waiting for her there Both of them she loved more than life itself Her son and her lover her honey She lives for them now She breathes for them Her men
She will always feel sorry for her past... For she chose a wrong man to be her sons father She was too young, stupid, inexperienced If only...
Now she was in love with a man who was worth all she had or could give him She was in love with a man she considered the best of all she ever knew But now it is too late to change the past. She loves her honey She loves him and keeps it as a secret at the bottom of her heart
Its late and its already dark outside. The same darkness was in her soul all this years. Her son was the only source of light in her life till now till she met him The man she loved passionately And she cant be with him She cant have both of them She cant be happy if she will choose one of them It is so complicated As a mother she doesnt want to take away a father from her son, but as a woman who was deprived from love all her life she wants to leave all past behind and run to her lover, melt in his soul, in his eyes, in his arms To be dissolved in him without the rest
Her footsteps cut the nights cold air like knifes She is walking fast and confident while there is a storm inside her soul.
It is her curse She has a family of her own as he has a family of his own. And no matter how strong their feelings are, they cant be together, they cant change what they have They cant
This fighting is taking place in each of their hearts. She longs to be with him, with the man she loves, but she cant take a step towards him and leave all her present life in behindAnd what will happen to her son? How to arrange it? How to live two different lives in two different worlds?
There were no way out for any one of them She was trying not to think about itThis thoughts always make her cry and bring a lot of pain to her soul She was weak He was her strength but without him she was too weak and easy to be broken She needed him But was unable to make a decision and run to look for him
She was still walking, breathing cold night air and thinking about this sticky situation No way out No way for everyone to be happy.
Her heels were making sounds.Sharp and distant Knocking in to the night Like beating of a heart.
She loves him She really loves him But she loves her son too She cant find the right way to choose. So she just waits Maybe it will be clearer in time Someday Somehow
- What can I get you miss?
- I need a cough syrup and antibiotics for a child 6 years old
13
He was telling her many times that this is fate... reality something elsebut all she knew was her feelings: love, pain, passion, hurt, depression, sadness
She never could fight with her fears She wasnt able to fight even with herself not speaking about the others so she was easily hurt and always scared.
That is the reason she was behind the mask she was wearing constantly
And now he wanted her to believe in fatedestinybut there cant be nothing good for her There never were Fate was unmerciful to her Always was and always will be And she knew that only tears and suffering can wait for her in future thats how it has always been. Why should it be different this time?
The happier she was the more painful it will be, when the destiny will slap her in her face So she is waiting all the time that any minute something awful can happen She is always worried about everyone... And about him Her love... Her treasure Her precious love
That was something primitive in her An instinct Intuition... It told her to be aware Because she will pay for her happiness And the price will be too high She knows it She is so much sure about it as she is sure about her name But she cant explain it. So she just waits in fear what will happen.
When he tells her to stay positive and be brave she doesnt even imagine how she can be. It is so unreal for her To lose all fears and be happy She isnt able to do it She is not like that She is different Too many feelings Too many emotions Too much pain and longing in her soulAll this cant be ignored
He is like a day And she is like a night They cant exist without each other but they cant be together Cant be happy while dissolving in each others souls
Day and night.
Black and white.
He is white.pureinnocent He is perfectprecious the best in her life
She is black dark spoilt broken with lots of mistakes behind herdirtyfilthy.wrong and harmful for him
She is so scared that she will become a stain on his pure soulA dark, dirty stainAnd will ruin him Destroy him
Than it will kill her so what to do? How to be? How to protect him from herself?
She cant be changed She has darkness in her soul This darkness might hurt him ... The one and only she is trying to protect. He is like sunshine... He brings joy and happiness to her soul daily... He gives her hope and powers to go on But her own darkness is also strong enough So she is worried about him more than for herself She has lost all she could lose in her past lives There is only him now She cant lose him too She will do her best for not to lose this sunlight that lighted her way in the darkest time
Fighting with herself wasnt easy But she was trying hard to win in the battle between two sides of her natureDark and light And there were no answer which side was winning the battle till now She didnt know that It was all so complicated in her soul
HE was the day SHE was the night
Their love was against all laws of nature their love was forbidden It was their secret... Their joy Their freedom Their happiness and their biggest problem
She was afraid that when the black and white will be mixed it will be gray color they will get No! That will never happen! It will be silver! Thats it! It will be silver moonlight.
The light of the day and the darkness of the night mixed together It will be beautiful It will be a silver moonlight
14
Days were grey, long, tiring, depressing She was feeling breathless So she took colorful paper and started to make paper flowers Bright Full of colors Beautiful She made the three of them Pink, yellow and green Bright paper flowers And then suddenly she thought that these flowers were dead. Empty Soulless
Around her, there were a lot of people who were just like these flowers Empty people Whose soul was dead Who had nothing to long for. People in masks and without souls. Shallow people
She was afraid of them and tried to hide from them. But they were all around her Like shadows Cold Empty Wrong
She took a flower in her handnice But without a soul Without a smell Without life in it They were making her sad
She smiled For many years she was considering such fake flowers are real She was thinking she knows what love is But what she knew was like these flowers Fake Dead She was mistaken. And it was always creating emptiness in her soul Without knowing why she was looking for the real feelings. Than one day she found her real flower Beautiful Prefect Precious She found him Her honey Her love So she realized the difference She found out what love is, and what the true feelings are She was amazed by it Enchanted She was drowning in her love Lost in her lovers heart and soul And she was happy about it She needed it all her life She was looking for it all the time So she was grateful to her destiny for such a present her love
But there was one thing that made her hurt and depressed She wasnt as pure and perfect as he was In her search for the true love she had made many mistakes and wrong turns She was dark and spoiled when she found him And it made him doubt in her... He had lots of doubts She knew it... She felt it She saw it in his eyes From time to time a thought occurred in his mindWhat if? And this thought was reasonable She couldnt deny she made many mistakes in her past Many fakes were accepted as true feelings So he had his rights to be doubted in her It was painful With this doubts each time a fresh scar occurred on her heart Bleeding and paining But she knew he is right in his doubts and couldnt do anything about it
She was sure he will always be afraid that she will start her search again He will always be waiting for her to run away To look for a new adventure New friends New feelings This fear cant be taken away from himIt will always darken his smile No matter what she will do And she was trying to prove him she really loves him She was ready for all to do so She was ready to kneel at his feet and be happy about it She was ready to be a rag under his feet She was ready
If he said he wants her to do anything she was doing it straight away No matter how tired she was No matter she had headaches or any other problemsHis wish were her law She was doing her best to prove she is true Sincere
But there were no way for a fake paper flower to become real No way for his fear to evaporate and disappear Its making her sad But she knows its only her fault She has never blamed anyone in her problems except herself She knew there was no one to blame All she was doing were her own mistakes And when she opened her soul and told all the truth about herself she was ready for these doubts to occur in his heart. She was ready but there were no other way She wanted to be as opened as a book before him Because she loved him So she wasnt sorry This was her new way. To be true Opened Sincere.
She put the flower down and started to make another one While she was busy she wasnt missing him as badly as always She was missing him all the time And when tears were tickling her throat and longing for him was stronger than she was She found something to occupy herself Like this paper flower she was making to keep her mind busy
Fake Unreal Dead.
Like everything in her past.
15
Short moments of happiness that she was grabbing with both hands werent enough These moments were always shared with him And she always needed more
She was deprived from happiness Deprived from love She needed it Like air All her life in every prayer she asked God to send her a little more of happiness She wanted to be happy Not depressed, sad, broken, dirty, lonely, abandoned. But happy Calm Loved
She was looking for this all her life. She always felt she needs something more Something else So she was searching for it constantly She was feeling this need. Strange need she couldnt understand or describe But she felt it too sharp Especially at night When her loneliness took her by the hand and led her in to the darkness
There she sits in the dark room with a glass in her hand Under the quiet rhythm of martini she is singing the song of her sorrow Alone Another sip of her drink to fall deep in to the night To forget... For not to feel To go numb To calm down the storm in her soul
She is drinking alone Its winter outside The wind is dancing with the snowflakes Tears are running down her cheeks She is crying She is trying to wash away all the bad feelings with tears She never succeeded
Empty. God! She is empty inside She is dead. Her soul is dying and cries for help! Why no one sees it? Why there is no one to care for her... To save her from this despair Why she is always alone Broken inside Always in pain for what she never knew Silly girl
Just look at her Drinking alone in the night and waiting for a miracle And then she suddenly realizes that there will be nothing for her. Nothing. She will be always like this. Abandoned and misunderstood
God is her witness she was trying to be like everybody else She did all the things people do But what does it brought her? Only pain and suffering It was all her mistakes To look for a place where she belongs when there is no such place To look for a soul that is similar to her own when there is no such soul To find peace and happiness when there is only pain and loneliness
This memory came to her tonight It reminded her how hurt she was feeling for many years till now How lonely Sometimes she felt such a strong pain in her soul that it was driving her crazy And she couldnt handle it down Than she was taking a blade and cutting her skin Not deep But enough to feel physical pain To see red blood coming out of the woundTo feel she is alive and to let go
At her dark days she was thinking about death Ending of her suffering Or other stupid things she could do She was so lost in this world that it seemed there will be no way out for her Never
She was always so weak in front of her fate In front of a destiny that had no mercy She couldnt stand in front of it alone She was always looking for the other piece of her soul that was taken away in the past life by the lady cruelty
It was her last hope The one who will understand Love Save Protect Her last resort Last chance saloon
Why does she remember it now? When she found him? Her savior Her love Her miracle..
Because now there is another kind of pain in her soul Strong need and longing for him And not a chance to reach him. She feels this pain all the time She is suffering And the thought that he must feel the same makes her even more hurt Her heart is bleeding Her destiny played an evil trick with her Again Unmerciful bitch Showed her the way but closed the doors in front of her face
- Well.? How do you like that dear.????
